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Ready to Fly

Middle of the night and it's getting so hard to breathe
You can't sleep, can't think, can't hardly dream
Do you fear what the world wants you to be?
Open your eyes and just see what the world is
Open your mind and you're free


Why does my mind wander so much? Why do my desires change all the time? And by "all the time," I mean every single fucking day.

As I’m being soothed by the melodic tunes of Ryan Cabrera, I wrap up a weekend that’s been as revealing as it’s been fun and filled with my own freedom. The ‘rents spent Friday and Saturday night in Branson before returning home at about 3 p.m. yesterday. Their being absent from the house for that 48-hour period gave me a chance to re-think my current situation in life – a situation I’ve placed myself into – and come to a realization. That realization? I’m not happy.

The interesting thing is that for the past year-and-a-half, I thought I was happy. Every day, I’d wake up, get dressed, go to my daily activities, come home, and crash. Ya know, in a Rather, Rinse, Repeat kind of fashion. I’ve become content with that life, and it took me until this weekend to realize I’m not happy with it. I think my false sense of happiness came from the total absence of stress in that life.

I chose that life out of fear of the unknown. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been more afraid of living up to my potential than anything else. I know that sounds strange, a person not wanting to live up to his potential, but it’s me, and it’s always been me. I’ve also been afraid to be what the world wants me to be. As a result, I’ve gone to the safe and unusual life every day, not living life to its fullest.

As I sit here now, I know that’s about as unhealthy as it gets. Why have I been acting twice my age instead of simply acting my age? How could I have been so afraid of living up to my potential and possibly failing? Hell, everyone fails, and I shouldn’t be any different. Now, I WANT to fail. It might’ve taken me longer than 99 percent of my high school graduating class, but I’m ready to live like I should be living. That means taking chances, some dares, and perhaps jumping into some high-risk, high-reward situations. Where that'll happen I don't know, but it's going to happen. I won't have it any other way.

So bring it on, life. This time, I’m coming to the fight with fire in my eyes.

And what are you hiding from?
Is it safe there inside your walls?
'Cause your chance is bound to come
If you're strong enough to live at all
We'll find what we need in our lives
We'll find we need in our lives
Open your eyes and just see what the world is
Open your mind and you're free


-Ryan Cabrera, "Illusions"
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